As the darkest blood stains the brightest throne,
Justice will shine and the truth will be shown.
Those who claim right will be punished for wrong,
As voices long dead rejoice through fine song.
That branded horrid shall now be deemed grand,
A starless, black sky, a deep, crimson sand.
The eldest of kingdoms, at last re-awakened,
The power restored as the land is retaken.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hm, this was nice.
I can't really think of anything else to say; it was a good poem but it wasn't something that really captured me and made me think, this is something special. I liked your rhyme and the rhythm was done okay, but I think you could have added so much more and therefore made it so much better.
Nice,
GingerLove
Hey! This was a great poem. I liked it.
"As voices long dead rejoice through great song."
This part 'fine song' just doesn't fit. You should take fine out completely. It ruins the rhythm of the whole couplet.
Ok, this was really good, and I can't wait to read more of your stuff.
BBB
Thanks for the advice. It was really helpfull.
I like the rhythm and rhyme you have here but I think it needs to be expanded and tidied up. You had a few mistakes, it was lacking in grammar and it's rather short. Here's a line by line with some suggestions -
As the darkest blood stains [s]the[/s] the brightest throne,
Justice will shine and the truth will be shown.[I think you have an excellent start here. A bit unoriginal but very well done. Perfect rhythm and a well chosen rhyme.]
Those who [s]claime rite[/s] claim right will be punished for wrong,
As voices long dead rejoice through great song. [Again, these two lines are good but I think your word choice could be stronger. For example 'great song' is very bland. I think 'sweet song' would be a little better but there are many other words so think about it and maybe pick one.]
That branded horrid shall now be deemed grand; [This line is a little awkward. I can see what you're trying to say but it needs re-phrasing. Perhaps 'What was branded poor may now be deemed grand;' would fit better.]
A starless, black sky, a deep, crimson sand.
The eldest of kingdoms, at last re-awakened [I don't think you should alter the rhythm here. It makes the ending weak. Maybe 'Eldest of kingdoms, now re-awakened -' would be okay?]
The power restored and the land retaken [As for this line, if you add that dash to the previous one, you can have it as 'Power restored and the land is retaken.' which is still a syllable over but actually flows better than without the 'is.']
Other than that, I think it might benefit from an extra stanza but it's generally a good poem.